I Used to Write
Being deprived of video games as a child and having restrictions
on internet access (that is, once we finally got internet access) proved
extremely beneficial to me later in life. Instead of wasting my time frying
in front of some sort of screen, I spent time drawing pictures and typing
on my mom's typewriter. I created a series of books (very short), called
Tornado Bob, when I was in first grade. In second grade, I grew
ever closer to music and along with the short little stories I wrote,
song lyrics entered my writing style. Third grade was completely engulfed
by lyrics, especially for Price Tag, but in
fourth grade, my teacher had many creative writing assignments in the
mornings, and I started writing slightly more intelligible stories.
Though I haven't seen Tornado Bob since about third
grade, I recently stumbled across some of my elementary school writings:
(circa second or third grade)
This gripping tale, the two-part story of Pomcert, exhibits
some amazing onomatopoeia and stream-of-conciousness expression. The only
punctuation mark I knew how to use was the exclamation point, and I thought
that yawn and cough were spelled yan and coffe.
It's a pretty amazing tale, though, and at least exhibits none of the
rhyming that eventually plagued my existence.
But what sort of song lyrics was I writing? Clearly, with
the imagination that has a narcoleptic character offering a stranger toys,
I had some ideas.
Don't you remember that awesome handwriting paper? Too bad
I never recorded this gem. Notice how the main two lines of the piece
rhyme? That's only going to get worse.
Click here to read "Krazy House"
Recently one of my friends summed up the world quite well
by saying, "I'm really tired of Cs being replaced with Ks."
I kind of remember having the obsession of making different versions of
lyrics... maybe so I could pick the best later? "Krazy House"
doesn't have its second version written on this page, but for your enjoyment,
I have crafted a new second version based on the main ideas from the original:
Really looking out the window,
I hope it doesn't really snow.
First and foremost, my song lyrics HAD to rhyme; secondly,
they had to make sense. That second place is a very distant requirement,
but you knew that didn't you? Eventually my songs grew to have over twelve
different words in them:
(circa third or fourth grade)
I'm absolutely positive I never read over "leave me alone"
after I wrote it. It means nothing. I know I didn't want to be left alone;
I guess it just made a good song subject? One thing I'm particularly fond
of is the attempt to lengthen alone to "aalloonnneee" (aloney?)
and add "yea yea" into it. That makes it Bruce-Springsteen-special.
Fortunately for everyone, though based on my work I don't know how I made
an A in English, I made it into fourth grade... and I sort of calmed down
on the lyrics in turn for short stories.
Perhaps you have noticed, "Our Dog and the Hurt Kid"
was a vocabulary assignment. The idea was to work in all of our vocabulary
words into a story. I used to LOVE those assignments, but that doesn't
mean that my stories were particularly amazing. Before I forget, let me
alert you as to what the 22 means... that's what I got on the assignment
out of 100. Not really. In our class, we were each assigned numbers according
to where we placed based on our last names. Mine was 22, and I eventually
started to work in the 22 into my x.
You notice that I like to write things about dogs? I didn't
have a dog, and I don't remember particularly wanting a dog. Half of our
writing assignments were prompted with pictures on the overhead projector,
so for those (such as "Sick Doggy"), I have a reason. There
were many other dog-based literatures that I scribed, but the next is
Cooked Turkey? I guess that's some figurative language (turkeys
don't fly into your microwave ever... never ever), and perhaps it is a
precursor to why this website has its domain name? My favorite part of
this story is how since someone accidentally turns on their microwave
then EATS then bird that they accidentally cooked. Note to self: sew and
sue aren't the same. I need to remember that. Though it seems a great
deal strange to have another turkey story immediately after the last,
the next one was prompted by Thanksgiving. Before you go any farther,
know this: I was a pseudo-hippie in fourth grade. I loved Jimi Hendrix
super badly, and I wore tie-die all the time. I was pretty much the coolest
There are so many problems with this story, it's unbelievable,
but I actually had to read it a lot in class because my teacher liked
it so much. Like a true rock musician, I thought, "Hey, people like
this, I should record it." As one of the songs on Price
Tag's Peace, I read
this story as Chris played the drums. It doesn't get any better than that
Probably due to the recent news of the International Space
Station and the Mars Rover, I became extremely obsessed with space (luckily
mostly subconsciously). Perhaps you have watched A Boy And
A Dream? That was only the beginning of my space craze. Possibly in
order to quantify the existence of the film, I wrote a follow-up story
explaining a few of its details entitled "In Mars."
Click here to read "In Mars"
Very few of my friends watched the movie counterpart to
this story, and perhaps that's a good thing. Maybe now you understand
what the movie was aiming for? Probably not. I don't either. Shortly afterwards,
we were assigned some longer writing assignment, and I took this opportunity
to create a masterpiece: SPACE STORIES!
Story 1: The Little Man that Couldn't
Most people know the story of "The Little
Engine That Could". Well, this story is a little different.
John was working at the sewage plant on a sunny Thursday in May,
3997, and he called his secretary Tim. Tim did not come. So, like
in lots of stories, John wanted to find out where Tim was. The first
thing he tried was calling Tim's house. Tim answered, "Hello,
John?" "Yes, this is John." "Well good because,
I have to tell you that I'm stuck in something. " "What?"
"Well, you see, I kind of poured super glue in my cabinet and
I accidentally stuck my hands in it." "Then how did you
answer the phone." "With my feet." "Your feet?"
"Yes, well any way ..." "Just shut up for right now
and listen. " John said, "Just think and say I think I
can, I think I can and just repeat it. "
Well it all turned out that he got his hands
unstuck. But the phone overreacted and they both got sucked into
the sun and burnt to a crisp.
Story 2: The Flying Dogs?
"You're stupid," said Toshia to
Chris. Chris immediately answered, "No Jim not." "I
know I was just being silly." "Well, okay," said
Chris. Toshia started to run and she yelled back, "I was LYING."
Chris ran back after her. They didn't notice all the cylinder shaped
The rest of that day, it just got darker and
darker. By 12:00 p.m. the next, it was so dark you couldn't see
in your own house. Chris opened his microwave and oodles and oodles
of hot dogs fell on him. They were so powerful, the knocked him
all the way down to his basement.
Meanwhile, Toshia was trying to call Chris
but, since Chris was knocked out by the hot dogs, he thought he
saw a chili dog flying straight at him. It liftd up and just missed
Also, outside, nobody noticed that the earth
was starting to look like hot dog skin. Chris finally got up and
heard the telephone ringing but, by the time he got tot the phone,
it stopped. Since that happened, he ran outside and coincidentally
, Toshia did too. They couldn't see so they both went back and got
flashlights and, when they came back outside they could see. They
couldn't believe they could really see. They met each other in between
the road. Hot Dogs seemed to be walking down a side walk when it
passed Toshia and Chris it said "Hi." They answered with
"Hi," and Chris said "Do you have a craving for mustard
(fourth grade, retyped EXACTLY)
Poor grammar and awkward paragraph structure plague these
stories, but that is sort of to be expected from a fourth grader. The
thing that comes as a shock, though, is that neither of these stories
have much to do with space, yet they are called SPACE STORIES! The first
one mentions a celestial object in the last sentence, and the hot dog
story is more sci-fi. Oh well, at least I was thinking about space all
of the time. That makes up for it. There were many more space-related
stories, but you've got limited time... time to change gears.
Immediately after finishing and naming my first album, Help
the Insane, I wrote this poem/song. It has nothing to do with that
album; It's just plain good. Another thing I found a great time writing
about, when I wasn't thinking about music or space, was school. That's
where I was when I wrote this stuff, so it makes sense that I would write
about it when I was out of ideas. Here's an exemplary work:
I continued to write after fourth grade. It basically got
me interested in writing as a whole. Fortunately, I pretty much stopped
writing song lyrics after fourth grade (at least ones of this caliber
- they got much better), but my interest in creative writing is essentially
why I made this website what it is: me writing about things that actually
happened to me in humorous fashion. Perhaps one day I'll get some scans
of Tornado Bob?